


Mr Mälkman, Moth Me A Mälk

by FoundFandomFamilies



Series: Lunch Cryptid AU (The name still sucks) [2]
Category: (mentioned) - Fandom, Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Lunch Club, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (btw Sy beta'd this they’re great check em out if you don’t have a life yet-), Gen, Mothman, The fuck is this some kind of plot or something?, Who do I think I am fucking Syverne or some shit, add tags later because I’m blankin rn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24012730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoundFandomFamilies/pseuds/FoundFandomFamilies
Summary: Charlie and Schlatt bicker a bit and Ted just...vibes.
Relationships: None ya nasty
Series: Lunch Cryptid AU (The name still sucks) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731823
Comments: 112
Kudos: 183





	1. Charlie and Schlatt drop exposition around a fire: The Chapter

**Author's Note:**

> Me: This idea is just a shitpost  
> Also me: *makes a whole ass AU*  
> Me: FUCK

If Schlatt had to admit one thing about the fucker who stole his bridge, he knew how to cover his tracks. 

He’d tried every trick in the demonic book at this point - as much as he could do without attracting attention that is - and could still barely find even a trace of the guy's magical signature, other than his dumb aura of smugness. It was like the demon itself didn’t even exist, just the markings. It was bullshit!

He’d stopped returning to check over the taunting letters on his bridge, because they infuriated him without fail every time and Charlie had warned him that he might not even have a bridge left to claim back if he kept going. Charlie was right, but it wasn’t helping find out the thief’s demonic identity at all.

He was the definition of hiding in plain sight as well, which infuriated Schlatt. The guy was  _ famous _ and he was straight-up yelling his demon status to the world, yet Schlatt couldn’t find any actual information on him.

Shane Madej. Demons have the privilege of choosing their own human vessel name, and this wise guy chose fucking Shane?!

Schlatt had been going from location to location, trying to see if he could gain anything new from the other places the fuck had tormented. All it had done was cemented that the guy was,

A: super damn powerful 

and B: a  _ fucking dick. _

Charlie just left dumb comments on their videos. Schlatt wasn’t even disappointed because he never had hopes for help from the guy to begin with. 

The only other way to get information would be to go straight into Hell and check the records, but...

Yeah, no, that’s not happening any time soon.

If all else failed, he was going to ditch Charlie and storm into Buzzfeed to beat the shit out of him in broad daylight, secrecy be damned.

But, begrudgingly admitting they weren’t getting anywhere for now, Schlatt turned his attention back to his other issue at hand -Charlie himself.

As if he could hear Schlatt thinking about him, Charlie finally trudges back to the camp, looking more than a little exhausted.

“Well you took your damn time,” Schlatt comments, waiting for the shoe to drop.

Charlie freezes up as soon as they make eye contact.

Schlatt just waves from his seat in front of the already roaring fire. 

“...so you asked me to get firewood for no reason then?” Charlie asks, grumpily dumping everything he collected and sitting down on the opposite side with a huff.

“What did you go and get wood for? I can literally create fire you fucking dumbass,” Schlatt says instead of answering, and Charlie glares.

“One, you asked me to, two, you’ve literally never done this before, and _three_ , I'm sorry for getting flamed up but this was a real ashhole move fire you to pull on me.”  
  


Schlatt saves himself a mental breakdown and ignores the puns.  
  


“I figured it’d be funnier this time instead of the usual routine of watching you struggle,” Schlatt responds shamelessly, and Charlie stops rubbing his hands up against the fire to flip him off.

“I should’ve let you die,” Charlie grumps, but without any real malice. Dumb softie.

“That’s what I told you!”

“Well, consider me officially having second thoughts.” 

“You want a medal?”

“I want a  _ break _ ,” Charlie complains suddenly, “and food.” He adds the second part as an afterthought, yanking his bag over.

“Aw come on, is the Holiday Schlatt package not for you?” Schlatt teases, and Charlie pauses while rummaging through his bag to look at a singed figurine. His shoulders tense.

“I could have done without my apartment burning down…” 

“You’re still on that?” Schlatt asks, genuinely bewildered. “I thought you were an optimist?” 

Charlie gives him a look.

“I don’t know how time works for demons, but two weeks isn’t enough time for someone to ‘get over’ having their entire life uprooted.” Charlie starts to bite at his lip. “And... we’re out of food. Again.”

“We would have had more food if you hadn’t wimped out back at the gas station,” Schlatt points out unhelpfully, and Charlie goes pale just at the mention.

“O-oh yeah, almost forgot about that part, thank you  _ so _ much Schlatt, that’s such a fun memory for me,” Charlie stutters out, expression suddenly more strained as he grips at his bag. Schlatt winces.

...okay, yeah, in hindsight he probably could see how Charlie would still be upset about all this. 

Schlatt wasn’t going to apologize, though. 

“Eh, you love to see it.” Schlatt waves him off, ignoring the twisting feeling in his gut. Charlie zips the bag shut with a little more force than needed. 

“You sure do,” Charlie mumbles as he shifts, pointedly staring up at the moonlight instead of at Schlatt. 

They sit in a weird silence for a good period of time. Eventually, however, Charlie starts to fidget. Schlatt sighs.

“You’ve got a question, don’t you?” he asks, and Charlie doesn’t need any more lead-in than that.

“So, your ‘glamour’, does it just change how people perceive you, or physically change your form?” Huh, that was random.

“Does it matter?” Schlatt asks, eyes not flicking up from the fire. Charlie takes a deep breath, then continues like he’d been rehearsing this conversation for a while. 

That was probably why he took so long gathering the damn wood.

“Well, changing perceptions is kind of like mind magic. Which I feel is relevant to, you know, my mind magic situation? If you can change what people see, maybe you could change how I see my memories?”

That causes Schlatt to look up.

“Let me get this straight. You want me to use  _ illusion _ magic to bring back your memories?”

“...well, when you put it like  _ that-” _

“There’s no way you can put it where it would make sense!”

“Well, you haven’t exactly given me much to work with here!” Charlie snaps, briefly taking Schlatt by surprise at the weighted emotion behind it. Charlie seems surprised too as he mumbles an excuse and slumps back down against the tree.

Schlatt frowns.“Yeah, sorry kid, no dice. Even if that  _ did _ make fucking sense, my glamour doesn’t work like that. This human form is as much of my own as the demon. It’s not hiding stuff, more like, uh, controlling what I’m showing.” Charlie’s shifted so his expression is still harder to see, but he huffs out a laugh.

“Like when you get grumpy, so your wittle horns pop out?” Charlie taunts, and Schlatt glares.

“First of all, that’s gay, and second of all, it’d be like when I get angry, and pop your wittle head off-“

“Hah, the big demon said said wittle,” Charlie just snarks, before sighing and continuing before Schlatt could retort. “Well, at least the idea of you changing your form is much less upsetting to think about than you still constantly being a ram-horned, split-skull, multiple-armed furry from Hell-“ 

“Aw, does Charlie think my true form is upsetting? You know, words hurt.” Schlatt leans over the fire, eyes briefly glowing scarlet.

Charlie recoils, but only in played up disgust. The lack of fear is honestly disappointing. 

“Your  _ appearance _ hurts. You have two tongues! It’s nasty,” Charlie sticks out his own tongue. “Blargh.” Schlatt sits back down with a huff.

“I think it’s sexy,” Schlatt tries to defend, and Charlie shakes his head with a laugh,

“It’s  _ really _ fucking not.” 

“Yeah, well, I didn't ask you.” 

“Aw, don’t get huffy, I’m sure you’re real sexy by demon standards, you probably make people real _horny_.”

“What, you fucking gay Charlie? Cause that’s a pretty gay thing to say.”

“You try to compliment an insecure guy to cheer him up and-“

“Who are you calling insecure?”

“-an insecure, apparently in denial guy-“

“God, fuck you Charlie, fuck you!” Charlie just dissolves into laughter. Schlatt finds himself chuckling along despite himself. 

Fuck, Charlie was... weird. Schlatt didn’t quite know  _ what  _ he thought of him, but he’d be an idiot if he tried to trick himself into thinking that he hated him. He by rights  _ should _ hate him, Jesus Christ was he annoying, but he was just... too damn likeable to stay grumpy at. He was a  _ demon _ . That shouldn’t be  _ possible _ .

There’s no fucking way this guy is natural.

Still, he hadn’t spent this much time with a human and actually semi-enjoyed it since...

“So, what’s with you and Mothman?” Charlie asks randomly, thankfully breaking both the silence and  _ that _ train of thought. Schlatt shifts into a more comfortable position, smirking slightly as Charlie cringes when he sticks his feet in the fire.

“What do you mean? There’s nothing with me and Mothman-“

“You mention him a  _ lot _ ,” Charlie continues, tone now playfully suggestive. Schlatt decides to play along.

“Of course I do, we’re lovers,” he states, and Charlie finally sits up with a wide grin.

“Dude, you get moth dick bro?”

“So much moth dick, I practically drown in that dusty cock-“ 

Charlie snorts as Schlatt continues on the bit, getting progressively more vulgar, before he holds up his hand to get him to stop.

“Seriously though man, what’s the story?” 

“He’s a moth dickhead,” Schlatt grumps, good mood lost. “He ruins everything he touches.”

“Including your dick?”

“ _ Funny- _ ”

“But what is it, really? Is it like, a competing cryptid thing or-“ Schlatt lets out a loud bark of a laugh.

“HAH! Competition with that guy?! No way! No one gives a shit about Mothman.” Schlatt jabs his finger at Charlie who holds up his hands in surrender. “No one.”

“Riiiight...” Charlie says slowly, before raising his brow, “...but I feel like there’s a story here.”

“There’s  _ many _ fucking stories here. But all you need to know is that  _ I _ was trying to set up a perfectly respectable business a few years back, but  _ he _ kept scaring everyone off by trying to sell whatever the fuck  **_cram_ ** is,” Schlatt snarls, Charlie inching away from the fire a bit more before looking at Schlatt in pure bewilderment.

“The fuck is a cram?”

“ **Exactly** .” 

Charlie puts his head in his hands,“...every fucking conversation I have with you gives me more questions than answers,” he starts, and Schlatt’s expression goes smug.

“It’s a talent.”

“Eh, I was going for a curse.”

“For you, maybe. I’m a fucking delight.” 

Charlie gets an evil look in his eye.

“I dunno.” He leans back and puts his head behind his arms. “I think I’m starting to see the appeal of Team Mothman. At least then I wouldn’t be tricked into gathering wood for no reason.” 

“ **WHAT?!”** Schlatt screams, not even caring that Charlie flinches from the distortion. “No way! After all that I’ve done for you?!”

“What is it that you’ve done for me again? You’ll have to forgive me, there’s just so many things that you’ve done, I keep forgetting-”

“I saved your life!”

“No, you endangered my life and then I saved  _ yours _ , try again.”

“I showed you my bridge!”

“You showed me your  _ stolen _ bridge and spent the whole time baby raging.” 

Schlatt splutters, then gestures in front of him. “...I made you a  _ fire.” _

Charlie’s unimpressed. 

“So that you could make fun of me.”

Schlatt's expression must be hilarious, because Charlie dissolves into hysterical laughter.

“Fine, so I haven’t been the  _ best _ . But I can guarantee you that Mothman is a bigger prick than I am.”

“Okay okay, _ you’ve convinced me. _ I’ll stay on team Goatman-”

“Not a goat-”

“-for  _ now _ .” Charlie holds up a finger. “But...” 

“There’s always a ‘but’…” Schlatt grumps.

“You need to tell me more about Mothman’s powers. And if it’s anything that could be  _ helpful _ , we’re going to go ask him.” Charlie looks way too proud of himself, and Schlatt is suddenly beginning to suspect that this Mothman subject wasn’t as impromptu as he thought.

“Did Carson put you up to this?! I bet he fucking did, didn’t he, that meddling prick-” Charlie’s guilty expression says it all, and Schlatt throws up his hands in frustration,

“Fuck, fine! Mothman is a stupidly tall weirdo I used to be friends with that does freaky mind shit and-”

Oh, that was the wrong thing to mention.

Oh he sees what Charlie was playing now.

Oh God fucking damn it.

“Mind shit?” Charlie sits up. “What kind of kind of mind shit?”

“...well now I don’t want to say.”

“ _ Schlatt.” _

“Fine! He can see into the future and do various psychic tricks, so yes, he probably would be able to do something with your memory, happy?!”

“You’ve known someone who could do that the whole time and you didn’t think it was relevant?!”

“It’s not,” Schlatt stresses, eye starting to twitch, “because I haven’t talked to him in  _ years _ . There’s no way in hell he’d agree to help.” 

Charlie starts to look a little desperate. “Well, do- do you know anyone else?! Schlatt, I respect any beef you have with someone, and of course I’m not gonna force you to do this, but you promised me you’d help, man. What are our other options? ‘Cause what we’ve tried has been a big fat naught, and I think I’d feel better if we at least tried to accomplish  _ something _ instead of just going from haunted house to haunted house, and unless this guy is like, straight up  _ evil _ , we need the help.  _ I _ need help. Just... Schlatt,  _ please _ .”

“I...

Schlatt can only take so much of Charlie’s pleading, beginning to wear a slightly panicked expression before he turns away.

“...Erugh, stop being a baby, fine! But only ‘cause I owe you! I’ll take you to go see  _ fucking _ Mothman.”

  
  
  
  


“...So like, okay,  _ fucking _ Mothman, are we talking about watching your old sex tapes here or-“

“ **I’m never being nice to you again.”**

“Yeah that… that’s fair.”

  
  
  



	2. Charlie has a flashback that honestly answers very little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's in italics because it’s a flaaaaaaasssshhhhhhhbbbaaaaaack~

_As Charlie starts to come to, the fog is... familiar._

_There’s a slowing dull throbbing in his forehead that is new but there’s this... nauseatingly sweet haze that makes him swallow uncomfortably as the rest of his senses come to._

_It kinda smells like…_

_Apples?_

_Charlie’s eyes flicker open and he comes face-to-face with a set of glasses._

_“Oh cool, you’re not dead,” the stranger states, before nonchalantly stretching. “Nice to see I still got it.”_

_“Yeah, whatever, you did your fucking job, you want a gold star? A good job sticker? A fucking fridge magnet?”_

_“A fuck...fucking fridge magnet, Schlatt?”_

_Charlie’s head clears, and the panic slowly starts to seep in its place._

_“Wha... what happened?” he slurs, sitting up on the... couch? Where was he? It looked like a cottage, but the other two in the room looked like the last likely people to live in a cottage._

_“The genius over here punched you in the face.” Glasses states, jabbing a finger over to the room's other occupant. It takes Charlie a minute to process, but-_

_“YOU! You’re the guy who broke into my house and-and-and-and-“ Charlie continues to short circuit as his eyes get progressively wider, “and-and-a-and y-you’re not a guy at all you're-“_

_“Please don’t try to climb on the top of my couch,” Glasses says with a scrunched up expression. Normally, Charlie would comply with that polite request, but the only thing filling his mind right now is,_

**_DemonfiredemonmonsterapartmentgonedemonfightflamhornscorngoatdemonfuCK-_ **

_So it’s a good time all around in Charlie town._

_“And you said he wouldn’t panic,” Glasses grumbles, before holding up his hands placatingly at Charlie. “Look, we just want to talk-“_

_“I’M NOT LISTENING TO ANY OF YOUR DEMON TEMPTATIONS!” Charlie screams, grabbing the closest pillow to him and wielding it like a weapon._

_“...that’s just fucking racist.” The dark-haired one grumbles, posture stiff._

_“And inaccurate,” Glasses adds, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not a demon dude.”_

_“What the hell are you then?!”_

_“...they used to call me the corn shucker. I shucked corn.”_

_Charlie’s brain is melting._

_“I… can you please make sense?!”_

_“He’s the fuck who just saved your life, so maybe calm the hell down and let him talk?!” The demon snaps, and Charlie jerks back so quick he bangs his head against the window._

_“FUCK!” As he clutches his wound, Glasses throws up his hands._

_“Come on, I just healed your head!”_

_Charlie grimaces and flops back down._

_“Sorry to inconvenience you…” Charlie grumbles dryly, despite his heart beating a million miles out of his chest. “Wait, you healed me?”_

_“How much do you remember?” Glasses asks instead, and Charlie frowns. He was trying to f o r g e t all of that right now, thank you very much._

_“Charlie, please.” Glasses pleads, and Charlie grimaces, but starts to talk._

_“I was... having dinner. Then there was banging on my door and,” his eyes flick over to the demon and refuse to budge, “you were there, and you said you needed to use my phone? And I asked why the fuck you went up two flights of stairs to ask a stranger for their phone instead of using the phone booth across the street.”_

_Glasses gives the demon a tired look. Something tells Charlie that the guy failed to include that part of his own retelling._

_“Then you…” Charlie scrunches up his expression. “Someone was chasing you? I think I thought you were part of the fucking mob at that stage, but you burst in before I could tell you to leave. Don’t know what I thought telling the mob to leave would do,”_

_“Cause they’d just fucking shoot you,” the demon quips, and Charlie continues without even thinking about it._

_“Yeah, cause they’d fucking sh-” He cuts himself off, eyes narrowing at the so-called ‘Schlatt’. “A-anyway. You didn’t explain anything, but I doubt you could have because…”_

_Charlie’s mouth goes dry suddenly, and he can’t find it in himself to keep going. He curls in on himself a bit, and Glasses hand hovers up for a second like he wants to comfort him, but quickly falls, and they all look away._

_“Because the thing following me arrived,” The demon says after an antagonising few moments of silence. Glasses turns to him._

_“Ah, yes, the ‘thing’ that you’re being intentionally vague about. You still haven’t even told me why someone was chasing you in the first place.”_

_“Hey, you don’t fucking know me, man!” The demon bristles, and for a moment Charlie thinks he sees Glasses tense._

_“You know me well enough to burst into my house claiming you ‘killed’ someone, so...”_

_“Look, you said you’d help me if I needed it!”_

_“And I have, so let's maybe try not yelling at me?” To Charlie’s surprise, Schlatt wilts and looks away like a kicked puppy._

_“...yeah, look, all I remember beyond that is throwing a lamp, everything being on fire, and then getting knocked out.” Charlie continues, feeling more awkward than nervous now. “I...”_

_There’s a million panicked questions consuming Charlie’s mind right now._

_And all he can blurt out is-_

_“Wait, why is there a giant lion picture?”_

_Both Glasses and the demon jerk around in surprise where he's looking, and Charlie’s startled when one of them starts to laugh._

_“Damn it, I thought I told Ted to stop doing that,” Glasses wheezes, running a hand through his hair. Schlatt is just looking at the wall accessory like it personally offended him._

_“Dumb Mothman.”_

_“I’m sorry, Mothman?!” Charlie’s bewildered exclamation is ignored._

_“So, what are we doing now, wiping his memories?” the demon asks, and Charlie’s grip on the pillow tightens._

_“You know I don’t do that Schlatt.” Glasses says slowly, tone leaving no room for further discussion… at least in Charlie’s opinion. ‘Schlatt’ presses the topic anyway._

_“Right, yeah, I forgot you have a,” the demon pitches up his voice, “‘moral code’ or whatever. So, what, we give him a map to your place on the way out as well? Or maybe we should wait and reveal our tragic backstories so he knows what to tweet about.”_

_“You’re really helping your trustworthy case,” Charlie states sarcastically, only to wilt as soon as he is glared at._

_Glasses tries to defuse the situation._

_“Look, the guy’s brain is too scrambled already, I’m not gonna risk beating the shit out of it any more.”_

_“Scrambled…?”_

_“Like eggs?”_

_“Yes Schlatt, like eggs-“_

_“Aw come on, no need to crack into him! I’m sure he was just yolking around,” Charlie finds himself saying, and the collective groan that goes through the room is almost enough to make Charlie forget everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours. Was it even twenty-four? Well, fuck, that’s another question to add to the pile..._

_“Oh my god-“_

_“I can’t alter his memories even if I wanted to because they’ve already been altered,” Glasses interrupts, fists clenched._

_Charlie blinks. “I’m sorry, they’ve been what now?”_

_Glasses hesitates. “...when I was healing you, I noticed you had a form of magical block in your mind that’s keeping you from remembering something. As if it’s been put into a locked box inside of your head,” he tries to explain, and Charlie blinks the slowest he ever has in his life._

_“...you’re talking bullshit right now I understood none of that.” Charlie deadpans, dropping the pillow. “I-I mean… missing memories? Dude, my life was normal! I’m normal! ...Right up until a demon showed up on my doorstep, that is.”_

_Glasses shrugs._

_“You’re sure it’s not just from… head trauma?” Schlatt asks suddenly, expression unreadable._

_“Right. Cause someone punched him,” Glasses sends another pointed look, and the demon bristles again._

_“Look, I panicked, man! No one's supposed to know and then this guy, and he, but then I would have fucking killed him, or I thought I did, and now he's, but we shouldn’t have-” Schlatt’s words get progressively more disjointed the more his shoulders tense up._

_Glasses pinches the bridge of his nose._

_“...you’re a really shitty demon, you know that, right?”_

**_“SHUT UP!”_ ** _The demon screams, Charlie’s hands instantly fly to his ears._ What the hell was that?! 

_Glasses just glares, unimpressed, at him._

_The demon splutters._

_“...no. No. Fuck this. You don’t get to-_ **_FUCK THIS_ ** _!” Schlatt stomps his foot so hard into the floor it puts a dent, and storms out of the room. Charlie catches a brief glimpse of ram horns before the door is slammed shut._

_That was... something._

_Glasses runs a hand down his face and breathes in deeply._

_“You've known each other long, then?” Charlie asks, and Glasses shakes his head._

_“Believe it or not... not really. We’re more acquaintances than anything else, but I’m pretty sure I’m the only support the guy has.”_

_“Is he like, good? Gonna be good?” Charlie asks, although not entirely sure why he cares. The guy **did**_ _ruin his life, after all._

_“He just needs to blow off some steam…” Carson says, attempting to be dismissive, but worry was clear in his posture._

_There’s a loud crash._

_“...blow off some steam or blow things up?”_

_“He actually tends to smash or hang things.”_

_“That’s reassuring…” Charlie trails off and takes a deep breath. Okay, focus, Charlie, focus._

_“I… look, you really don’t have to help me. I’m sure I can just... go back to my…” Charlie freezes._

_His apartment._

_That burnt down._

_With all of his stuff in it._

_...and his life as well._

_Charlie’s breathing starts to quicken again._

_“...you know, in most cases of arson, they suspect that the owner did it, but, like... you’re probably good.” Glasses tries unhelpfully, and Charlie bites back the sob that threatens to overtake him._

_“So, what, my life is over, then?! I don’t-I don’t have any family,” Glasses grimaces for some reason, “or friends, I’ve just been trying to get through college-“_

_“And isn’t that strange?” Glasses interrupts, suddenly a little too close for comfort. “That you don’t have any family you can think of? What’s your mother’s name? Your father’s? What’s_ **_your_ ** _last name, Charlie?”_

_“I don’t... I mean, of course I know…” Charlie trails off in a small voice, eyes wide. “Holy fuck.”_

_Glasses’ expression turns apologetic._

_“Sorry, I shouldn’t of-fuck, I’m sorry. I should be helping you, not pushing, I just... do you at least believe me now?”_

_Charlie chuckles nervously as his world continues to crumble around him._

_“Do I have a choice?”_

_There’s no reply._

_“It… that’s not… wait, how do you know my name?!”_

_Glasses’ expression turns to panic._

_“You… said it earlier, didn’t you?”_

_“No, but you did.” Charlie says, and he starts to edge up the couch again._

_“Er, heh, lucky guess then?” Glasses tries, rubbing the back on his neck a mile a minute. “You know, I just shuck corn, man, I don’t-“_

_“Okay, do you actually shuck corn? Does this place have corn? Or do you just do fucked up shit like sacrifice newborns?!”_

_For a second, Charlie thinks that he’ll continue the bit (that he wasn’t even sure if_ **_he_ ** _was joking about), but Glasses’s expression becomes serious._

_“I-I know your name ‘cause I… I read your mind. While I was healing you. So, uh, that’s another apology to add to the list.”_

_Ah._

_“I feel violated,” Charlie says, but he’s honestly just scared and confused. “So wait, if you’re not a demon, how come you can... can do that? You realize you’re constantly contradicting yourself, right?”_

_“How’s about this? You obviously have a lot of questions, and we need to see how your memory is, right? So let’s play a question game. You ask about all this bullshit, and I ask about your life?”_

Didn’t he already learn it all when he ‘read my mind’?

_“It almost helps me think I’m at a sleepover instead of a stranger’s house after having my life ruined!” Charlie quips, and Glasses cringes._

_“...yeaaaaaaah...”_

_“...okay, I’ll start! I’ve been hearing a lot of ‘Charlie’s and ‘Schlatt’s” and a ‘_ **_Mothman_ ** _’, so I don’t suppose I could... hear whatever yours is?” Charlie tries hopefully in probably the smoothest move he’s done in his life._

_Glasses is quiet, before wheezing._

_“Carson. You can call me Carson.”_

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter isn’t at all what it was meant to be, sorry!  
> I was only going to do a quick flashback at the start, but it just ended up to long and would of dragged out if I kept it all in one, so here’s a f u n in-between chapter before Möthmän
> 
> Thank you for all your incredible comments and for reading! I never would of expected the support I’ve gotten and it honestly makes my world
> 
> You guys are incredible!


	3. Charlie spends an entire chapter angsting but he's f i n e (also I guess mothman is here or whatever)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh goodness I do n o t like this chapter

Charlie was getting tired of the woods.

Every single twig breaking made him cringe, every animal noise made him flinch, the night air was freezing right now, and every step stabbed needles into his feet. He’d honestly prefer the creepy abandoned buildings at this rate. At least then they were  _ inside _ .

He’d tried to get Schlatt to loosen up on their ‘no towns’ rule, but all it had done was make the guy stricter. Charlie hasn’t seen another face but Schlatt’s for days, and it was starting to get to him.

How was he supposed to know that the stupid bowtie was important?!

_ Schlatt _ didn’t even know that the stupid bowtie was important!

Nevermind the fact that it could have apparently found them anyway. If the thing chasing them could track them anywhere, then why did it matter if they were away from the population or in it? They hadn’t even seen the beast since the gas station/tourist trap.

At least they actually had a goal tonight.

His relationship with Schlatt had improved in places. His anxiety doesn’t skyrocket whenever the guy talks to him anymore, because he’s just, well,  _ that _ . He’s just a  _ guy _ , who has slightly unnatural temper tantrums. The demon thing wasn’t getting to Charlie anymore.

It was the fact Schlatt refused to tell him  _ anything _ . The fact that he seemed to care more about his dumb bridge that Charlie didn’t help either.

It was starting to make Charlie a little… snippy.

“So, I’m sorry, along with lighting apartments on fire and sounding like a shitty mic, what’s your third power again? Only teleporting inconvenient distances away from our actual destination?”

This wasn’t the first time he’d seen someone regret Charlie’s existence because of a sentence, but it was the first time Schlatt just rolls his eyes at him, and says nothing.

Schlatt saying nothing was... bad.

Schlatt in general just looks...  _ bad _ .

Charlie instantly feels horrible. He’d been taking out all his frustrations on Schlatt and while it might have been a little justified, Schlatt had been trying to make up for it this whole time, hadn’t he? He was keeping them safe - keeping  _ Charlie  _ safe - when he very well could have just abandoned him and turned tail.

Schlatt wasn’t just pulling around dead weight, he was pulling around dead weight that kept spitting in his face. 

Charlie hugs his arms around himself a little tighter.  _ Stupid, useless, selfish, damn it- _

“...is this okay?” Charlie asks, tone much smaller than before.

Schlatt’s silent for what feels like an eternity.

“It’s a bit too late now, isn’t it?” is all Schlatt says, and Charlie's stomach twists harshly. He squeezes his eyes shut and stops walking.

“Schlatt, I’m-“

“Hark, visitors! What brings you to these parts of the woods, hmm? Business, perchance?” Charlie screams and latches onto Schlatt as large, round, impenetrable red glasses take over his vision, matched by a sharp grin. “Wait a minute...”

Schlatt doesn’t push Charlie off, even as he clings even tighter like a baby koala when Mothman leans closer, but Charlie can’t help but notice how his friend's body starts to shake at the contact. His mind, however, is too focused on how fucking loud this guy is.

“...baby horns! Is that you? Why, I haven’t seen you in a millennia! Who’s the nerd?”

Schlatt is starting to breathe a little quicker now, and Charlie forces himself to let go. Right, fuck, Schlatt was sc- he didn’t even think in the moment...

As Schlatt pulls himself together, Charlie takes the opportunity to take in the newcomer, shoving down his guilt at causing even more trouble to Schlatt.

_ Mothman _ .

The first thing Charlie registered after the glasses was that he was tall. Like, really tall, with hair so black it blended in with the night around them, and dotted red markings on his face. Long fuzzy antennae flop down with his hair, twitching rapidly in every direction. But, other than that he looked just like an unremarkable human.

The second thing Charlie noticed was that he was hanging upside down from a tree.

The third thing Charlie noticed was that he wasn’t hanging at all; he was floating.

“-been a millennia, I fucking wish we hadn’t seen each other in a millennia-” 

“Aw, you wish we’d seen each other!”

Oh, they were arguing now.

“You intentionally misheard that-”

“-you’re so grumpy nowadays! What happened to-”

“and it- Charlie?” Schlatt breaks out of the bickering to stare at his friend with a furrowed expression. Charlie tries to respond, but can only let out a mildly distressed sound. Schlatt’s frown deepens, there’s a thud, and suddenly Mothman is standing directly in front of him.

“What’s up with the kid?”

“I’ll never be used to this. Any time I start to think I’m getting used to this, I’m called a nerd by fucking Mothman.” Charlie lets out a nervous laugh. “I try to tell myself it’s fine, but at this point I’m just  _ winging _ it, but  _ feather _ I like it or not I’m just gonna have a mam _ moth _ -sized panic attack every time until I bite the  _ dust- _ ” 

“We’ve lost him,” Schlatt mutters to himself, but all Charlie can focus on is the fact that his hand has just been grabbed and is being shaken so strongly Charlie thinks it’s about to rub out.

“Pleasure to meet you, Punster, please stop!” 

“I’m a big fan of your work, you’ve got a firm grip!” Is all Charlie can say as his last remaining sense of sanity trickles away. 

“Look at you! You’re a regular protagonist aren’t you!” 

“Please stop squishing my companion’s face, Ted.”

“‘My companion’, always so formal, Schlatt,” ‘Ted’, apparently, mocks, and okay, Charlie might not have been as ready for this as he thought.

“Says you-“

“Slimecicle, Schlatt, Slimecicle!” Charlie hisses out suddenly, and Schlatt curses, stepping forward and yanking Charlie back.

“Back off, dude!” Schlatt yells as Charlie leans against a tree and tries to control his breathing. Was this a good idea? Maybe Schlatt was right, maybe they should just completely isolate themselves-

He can feel Mothman’s eyes on him, and Schlatt snaps his fingers in front of the guy's face.

“Oi! Eyes up here, bud!” Schlatt snarls, and Ted laughs and moves to ruffle Schlatt’s hair, maybe? 

Charlie may never know, because Schlatt flinches back the second Ted’s hand hovers near his head, and fucking snaps at him.

**“Look, this isn’t a social call, asshole!”** Schlatt yells, voice distorting like crazy.

Ted doesn’t even retort, too taken aback. 

“We came here to get help, and then we’re leaving,” Schlatt continues in a normal voice, and something in Ted’s posture changes.

“Well, what’s up? You’re kinda ugly, is that your problem?”

The tension in the air turns thick and toxic. Charlie can’t take it.

“Look, Schlatt’s right. We’re not here for a fight, and we really can’t stick around long. We’re here to ask for help. Please. We’d really appreciate it.”

Charlie wishes he could see through the red glasses, because they’re definitely seeing through him and beyond. The silence is unbearable.

Ted shrugs.

“Don’t see what’s wrong with that. Follow me, we can talk at my place!”

Charlie and Schlatt both let out sighs of relief, catch each other’s eyes, then look away from each other.

Charlie was tired.

  
  


Scratch that, Charlie wasn’t tired - Charlie’s having a fucking fever dream.

When Ted asked them to step through the hidden door in the trunk of a tree, he’d been expecting maybe a rural little underground burrow home like from Bugs Bunny or something.

Not…

_ This _ .

They’ve entered what can only be described as an endless space filled with junk. Almost everything around him is either floating or distorting, and everything just feels slightly to the left. As if they’ve entered a world through a greenscreen. There’s just too much stuff to even process, ranging from a broken upside-down TV to a literal living cow that’s just casually floating over their heads, and Charlie begins to feel a little nauseous.

It’s as if somebody gained access to a void, and then took it as a challenge to turn it into the exact opposite.

He glances at Ted, who’s now laying on a couch that is suspiciously similar to Carson’s. 

That’s…

...probably what happened, actually.

“It’s a bit of a mess,” Ted says. Charlie has no idea if he’s joking, “but it’s home!”

“...you redecorated,” is all Schlatt says, grimacing and pushing away a bowling ball that floated a bit too close above his head. Charlie tries to take a step forward, and almost falls flat on his face as the ground beneath him just sinks from his weight like a bouncy castle. He grabs onto the closest thing to him for support, which is… a hockey stick? 

“Potassium?” Ted asks, and suddenly there’s a glass of milk being shoved in his face.

“Ban _ and _ a view? This place has it all!” Charlie says in a pitched-up voice, and Schlatt glares at him from where he’s now swatting at a collection of quills, rocks, and boxes of pocky that have taken it upon themselves to pester him like mosquitoes.

“I’m going to hold you under a tap, Charlie. I’m going to hold your head under a tap, and I’m going to drown you, and then I will kick your corpse.” 

“You’re gonna kick me?!” 

“And drown you, yes.” Ted’s head is snapping between the two of them as if he’s watching a tennis match.

_ Why is this conversation the most normal thing to happen so far? _

_ And... is that- the lion picture from earlier? _

_ What? _

Charlie isn’t sure how long he zones out for. Time in this place feels... odd. He could have sworn he was only staring at the lion for a few seconds but then-

“Admiring Big Lion, huh?” Charlie flinches as Mothman appears next to him, snapping him out of it. 

“Big-I am not in the right mindset to unpack that.” Charlie starts, glancing over to where Schlatt was to silently beg for help, only to find the space vacant. 

Oh. He’s alone. Charlie’s heart picks up again.

“What... where’s Schlatt?” Charlie asks, a little panicked. Are moths the ones that eat human flesh? It’s moths, right? ow does that apply with demons, oh no, Schlatt got  _ vored-  _

Ted just huffs.

“I finally get my chapter and he leaves, typical. It’s honestly getting tiring at this point. Just stay in the room!” 

Ah. So, Ted said something that made Schlatt get mad and storm off. That... that makes sense.

Charlie exhales shakily. Had he... had he really grown so codependent that he panicked as soon as Schlatt was out of his sight?

“Do you get visitors often?” Charlie asks finally, bottling all  _ that _ up with the rest.

“I don’t have time for people!” Ted says with a grin, and for a brief moment, Charlie sees angry red eyes and curled ram horns instead of red glasses and black fluffy antennae. Huh.

“So it’s a cryptid thing then huh…” he mutters to himself, and Ted tilts his head.

“What was that?”

“Nothing!”

They lapse into silence. Ted’s just... staring at him again.

“So what do you... do, exactly?” Charlie asks awkwardly 

“Mostly just mess with people!” Ted says, because of course, and he clicks his fingers. A little window opens up in front of Charlie, and he lets out a small gasp in awe.

“Is that... New York?” he asks, leaning closer and adjusting his glasses like it’d disappear if he did. 

There were so many... people. Just wandering around, carrying about their day. Completely oblivious to the fact that they were being observed.

“Yep! When I’m not people-watching, I like to drop down now and again and ya know, ask some questions, offer out milk, bend reality a little, the usual.”

“So you’re an all-powerful being, but you spend your time tormenting people with milk?”

“It’s hilarious!”

“It’s-it’s something, alright, it’s definitely... something.” Charlie starts, but he trails off. What was it, actually? Creepy, definitely, but why did it also feel...

Something occurs to Charlie, and he glances at Ted.  _ If he didn’t care for people, why'd he apparently spend so much time… _

Charlie glances around at all the floating, and definitely stolen, items, and his eyes land on the couch, suddenly seeing it in a different light amongst the chaos.

“Doesn’t it get lonely though? Just being by yourself in this huge space?” he finds himself asking, and Ted stiffens.

“...pfft,lLonely? Nah, kid. Like I said, I don’t care! They’re all just meaningless distractions at the end of the day,” Ted finally says nonchalantly, waving his finger and making the window disappear. Charlie doesn’t believe him.

“I just... I was asking because... Schlatt was too. Is too. Lonely, I mean. Except he’s always on the run instead of locking himself away. It’s kind of ironic.”

_ Why am I saying all this?  _

“So, how’s the milk?” Ted interrupts loudly, even though Charlie hasn’t even drunk any yet. It’s enough to snap Charlie back to earth and remind him of the real reason he’s here.

_ Damn it, Charlie, stop stalling. _

“Well, at least it’s nice to see that the four-horned idiot hasn’t changed,” Mothman-no, Ted, says lazily when he doesn’t answer, stretching out his arms. “He was always antisocial.” Charlie is about to finally ask his question, about why those words came out of Ted’s mouth sounding wrong for some reason, when that last part catches his attention.

He apparently had a fucked memory, but he was fairly sure he could trust his abilities on this recollection. 

“Wait, four? I thought he only had the two,” Charlie asks, wiggling his fingers next to his ears to emphasise. 

Charlie sees Ted’s confidence fault completely for the first time

“...W-what? No huh, that wasn’t-hm, that wasn’t real you’re-you’re wrong.” Ted starts to trail his fingers around the rim of his glasses, chuckling “You’re wrong.”

“Wrong?” Charlie asks, forgetting everything else in pure confusion. “I think I’d know what I say-“

“Right, and I saw it too, but that one's not real,” Ted empathises, as if Charlie is supposed to know what the fuck he’s talking about, “just like this isn’t!” He gestures vaguely at Charlie like he expects him to see what he’s seeing. 

“ _ What??? _ ”

“Because there isn’t one, real or not real are just concepts,” Ted continues, completely contradicting himself in a tone that sounds... rehearsed. A lot of what he’s been saying sounds rehearsed, actually. ”But that doesn’t matter because Schlatt has four horns, the only way he wouldn’t is if someone-or if he-or…”

Ted trails off into silence. Charlie’s starting to feel nauseous again, for a different reason.

Maybe this was a mistake…

No. No, it wasn’t. Schlatt was right, after all, somebody had put Charlie up to this, and he refused to let them down. It just...wasn't Carson.

“...man, I really feel bad about the bummer news I need to tell you now, but here goes nothing. It, um...” Charlie reaches into his pocket and pulls out a scrunched up note, hands it to the shaken Ted, and takes a deep breath, ready to ask the question.

But it’s not about his memories.

“Do you know someone called Cooper?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this rate I should just leaves the chapters unknown, but yes! I've decided to include two extra chapters on this cause they would of been placed weird separately and I didn’t want to end this on a bummer jsjsjsjs  
> There aren’t many goofs in this chapter because they felt out of place, but I hope you enjoy!  
> Next chapter is Cooper's introduction! Happy late birthday (I’m adding the character tags now-)


	4. Charlie meets a fucking loser idk who he is also the author forgets to do a titLE SHUT UP SY ITS ALMOST TWO THE IN THE FUCKING MORNING (love you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Doc was titled “Cooper? A w M a n” and I hate myself for it  
> Also wow it really only took one chapter for me to give up on the italics means flashback thing huh? It was just getting too complicated man, I use italics to empathise how am I supposed to e m p a t h i s e 
> 
> (If you’re wondering where this sits timeline wise, it's so point not that long after maybe fucking who knows from the first proper meeting flash back at Carson's. Yes I know. The tightness of this timeline astounds me as well.)
> 
> Also uh, I was told to put a panic attack warning here cause I know that’s upsetting to some folks so uh, there’s ya warning! Charlie has a fun chapter

Charlie hums, chin pressed up against the edge of the freezer, eyes scanning over the brightly-coloured, gaudy ice cream packaging.

“What to pick, what to pick…” he mutters to himself, weighing over the pros and cons of each one. He leans over and practically presses his nose against the glass.

“Ah, sir, I figured I’d let you know that the freezer has  _ not _ been cleaned in any way, shape, or form,” the sandy-haired employee comments lazily, only glancing up from his phone to watch Charlie in half-lidded concern, “and that, like, the last people who used it were  _ not _ hygienic.”

“My apartment burnt down, I can handle chlamydia,” Charlie grumbles, pushing himself up to look properly at the register. He glances at their name tag. “Cooper, right? You got any recommendations on what to get?”

“Not chlamydia?” ‘Cooper’ replies in amusement, before his head shoots up. “Wait, your apartment, what-“

“I think I’ll go with a Slimecicle!” Charlie exclaims quickly, sliding open the glass with forced enthusiasm and raising a proclaiming finger. Cooper cringes as it slams and jitters against the side. 

“Ah.” Charlie makes an apologetic noise. “Sorry, I’m… a little out of it.”

He makes his way over to the counter and places the popsicle next to his other items. 

“‘Cause of your house burning down?” Cooper asks, eyebrows disappearing under his hair. He glances at the large pile of food and mutters under his breath, “You’ve got everything here but corn and the kitchen sink…”

Charlie laughs nervously.

“Wh-ha-what- house burning down?! I don’t- what’s a  _ house _ ?”

“Dude, you don’t need to cover up bad luck.” Cooper starts lazily scanning the items. “Unless you fucking burnt down your own house, which I don’t think you did, we’ve all had shit happen. Maybe not our houses burning down but hey, I’m working at a gas stop attached to a tourist trap that refuses to die. I’m not exactly in a position to judge.” The guy's eyes darken a little, so Charlie quickly tries to save the conversation. Just anything so that he doesn’t have to keep thinking about how he’s technically homeless and maybe even on the run now. Please, god, he wants to think about literally anything else.

“Oh yeah I saw that.” Charlie makes air quotes. “The ‘Cryptonomica’, right? It seems... interesting.” Charlie’s suddenly gets an idea. “Don’t suppose they’d have any Goatman merch in there, would they?”

Cooper chuckles dryly. 

“Don’t even fucking bother stopping by. Everyone knows that shit is fake by now, yet these hacks stubbornly cling to life. Just, go home already, Nobody's dick gets jerked by Bigfoot anymore.”

Charlie lets out a surprised but genuine laugh. “Was that a regular occurrence?” 

“Well, you know what they say about big feet,” is all Cooper says, and Charlie chokes. 

“Dude, you’d think if Bigfoot was hung as fuck it’d show up in the photos.” 

“Well, you see, it does, but that’s actually why the photos are always blurry-“

“Cause his dong is too fucking powerful?!” _ Why is he having this conversation with a complete stranger, what is actually wrong with him? _

“Pfft, but yeah, Bigdick aside, nobody actually believes in cryptids anymore. It’s just tourists and old men in their kids' basements. I should know, ‘m forced to work the counter there too, and the boss is gonna have my ass for shit-talking the place.” Cooper cringes a little, but in general he gives off an energy that he’s just... too tired to really care.

“Why did you pick this place if you don’t believe in any of it?” Charlie asks instead. “No offence, you just... if you’re not very happy, why don’t you get a new job?”

Cooper’s shoulders slump, and his eyes dart to the back door that Charlie can only assume leads to the staff room. Promising...

“It’s not that easy, dude…”

“You make it sound like you’re being held at gunpoint against your will to work here,” Charlie says with an awkward laugh. “...you’re not, are you?”

“What, no, not at gunpoint!” Cooper splutters with wide eyes, but Charlie can’t help but note that’s the only part he denies.

Quick Charlie, new line of conversation-

“So, you ever seen the Loch Ness Monster?” 

Damn it Charlie. 

He can fucking hear Schlatt laughing from where he stubbornly decided to stand guard outside. Like it’s  _ Charlie’s  _ fault this is the first proper human interaction he’s had in days.

“You saw all the posters, then, I take it?” Cooper asks, looking ten times more tired. Charlie can’t blame him. The whole way into this place it'd been Loch Ness Monster city. “Almost every tree is coated in fucking, ‘Come see the lake monster!’ ‘Genuine real sightings!’ ‘Check out the Cryptonomica for more details, and leave your soul at the door!’”

This wasn’t the first time Charlie felt like he’d stumbled into a bad 30s horror flick, and it certainly wasn’t the last. 

“Boss gets one ‘genuine’ sighting and he’s gone money-loving crazy…”

Or Scooby Doo. Bad horror movie, or Scooby Doo definitely. This guy's boss already sounds like a Scooby Doo villain... suspicious.

“Sounds like you need to flee the Loch Nest.” Charlie jokes, and the pain in Cooper’s eyes briefly flicks to one of amused annoyance.

“God, I wish. Seriously, there literally isn’t a cryptid more annoying than fucking Nessie. He’s apparently Scottish, right? So why do people keep spotting him around the world, then? It’s cause he’s fucking  _ logs, _ dude!”

“Now now, don’t be too harsh, sometimes he’s seaweed.”

“If I hear one more person talking about the fucking Loch Ness Monster I’m going to need some see-weed myself.”

A bell chimes, and a head of messy brown hair pokes into the store, cutting off the conversation.

“Are you fucking done yet or?” Schlatt asks, eyes not even glancing at Cooper. Charlie misses the way Cooper’s expression twists as he enters, because he’s too busy trying to push his heart back out of his throat.

“Uh, yep! All good and dandy!” Charlie chirps, waving so enthusiastically he almost whacks Cooper in the face. Actually, with the way Cooper flinches back, he probably did.

“Are you... are you okay, dude? You seem very jumpy.” Cooper asks quietly, face showing the most emotion so far as concern laces his features.

“Oh you know me, I just love Slimecicles!” Charlie basically shouts, hand gripping tightly at the counter. Schlatt shrugs.

“Right, cool, I’m gonna go wait outside then.”

“Bye bye now!” Charlie trills, and then practically collapses against the counter as soon as the bell chimes again.

“...your friend seems nice.” Cooper says finally, expression distant. Charlie runs a hand through his hair.

“Yeaaaaah. We kinda just met.”  _ Don’t ask more questions, don’t ask more questions- _

“...he wears a suit,” Cooper states, and Charlie lets out a sigh of relief.

“He, uhm, says it’s for ‘intimidation’ purposes,” Charlie says with a still nervous laugh, before he leans over and stage whispers to Cooper, “but real talk? I think he just wears it ‘cause he doesn’t own any other clothes.”

Cooper’s nose twitches, but he looks entertained.

“Stinky.” He finishes up with the last item. “So, that’ll be $69.69,” Cooper reads out, before his eyes light up with glee, “Oh that has to have been intentional right?” 

Charlie is suddenly struck with the realisation he no longer has a wallet.

“Uh yeah haha,  _ sex _ number, um, if you’ll just excuse me I need to go grab my travelling companion and-“

“Look, man I-“ 

CRASH!

Charlie screams and slams back up against the drink freezers, shattered glass sliding in his direction. 

_ Here we go again... _

“ **FUCK!”**

Schlatt cusses and scrambles to his feet with flashing red eyes and ram horns, angrily swatting glass off of his suit and out of his hair, but otherwise unsteady but unscathed. Charlie’s eye starts to twitch. 

“DID YOU JUST GET THROWN THROUGH THE GLASS DOOR?!” 

**“YES, I DID, THANKS FOR NOTICING!”** Schlatt snarls, before realising the person he replied to was  _ not  _ Charlie. **“OH, NOT FUCKING AGAIN, WHO THE HELL IS THIS-“**

“Oh, there he is! How nice of you to come in and save me the effort of going out to talk to you!” Charlie says with a too-wide grin, while Cooper clambers on top of the counter, knocking the items onto the floor and cursing wildly.

“WHAT THE FUCK-“ Cooper cuss turns into a high pitched shriek as something  _ else _ barrels into the store in a blur of fur and red, Schlatt only just rolling to his feet in time to avoid it.

“Oh, hi, the murder monster is here too!” Charlie chirps, waving so vigorously his wrist feels like it’ll snap with the rest of him.

“-THE ACTUAL FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK-”

The beast shakes its gigantic head, trying to orientate itself again. Its hulking form towers next to the selves of confectionary, and Charlie nearly faints right then and there. 

“-IS  _ THAT _ ?!”

He hadn’t been able to take in the beast properly back at the apartment. He’d been too distracted by the, well, not dying part. Now, though, breathing heavy and trying desperately not to move like he was in Jurassic Park or some shit, he had all the time in the world.

Its fur was matted and burnt in places, thick and uneven, coating the beast entirely except for around the ribs, which had its charred and glowing bones showing. Its heavy paws thud down onto the floor as it continues to shake its head, cans and bags of food shaking and falling off shelves with every movement.

Schlatt had called it a ‘hellhound’, but it was more like a hell _ wolf. _

**“CHARLIE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!** ” Schlatt yells, hands and ram horns engulfing in fire. But then the hound faces him, and for some reason, Schlatt hesitates, flame flickering out. “ **I-”**

The beast’s hackles raise at Schlatt, spit dripping from its maw that sizzles when it hits the cool, tarnished floor. The noises it’s making are indescribable, mixtures of gibberish and snarls, eyes completely unfocused as it stalks around the store. Charlie presses himself up further on the glass.

“I'm going to need so much weed after this,” Charlie thinks he hears Cooper say, but it’s all just background noise next to the thudding of his heart.

Charlie’s hand clenches around the object in his pocket and the distorted head snaps over to him.

“Oh,” Charlie breaths out, paralized to the spot.

“ **OI! OVER HERE, DOG BREATH!”** Schlatt yells, Pringles can bouncing off of the beast’s head. Charlie would have laughed at the ridiculousness if he wasn’t mid-heart attack.

“What’s going on?!” Cooper asks, as if he’s going to get a helpful response.

“I JUST WANTED TO GIVE IN TO ICE CREAM TEMPTATION AND NOW I’M GONNA DIE IN A FUCKING GAS STATION!” Charlie wails, only to shriek and duck out of the way as confectionary flies towards him. “WHY ARE YOU THROWING THEM AT ME, TOO?!”

**“SHUT UP!”** Schlatt screams, hands already full once again. “ **I DON’T SEE YOU DOING ANYTHING!”**

“BECAUSE YOU’RE THROWING STUFF AT ME!” Charlie screams back, only to choke as his breathing twists and tugs in his throat and chest, making him stumble back. He puts his head in his hands, the ringing increasing in his ears tenfold, and doesn’t even register Cooper grabbing his arm and yanking him out of the way, only snapping back from the loud smash of the beast crashing into the glass.

**“WHY THE HELL IS IT TARGETING YOU?!”**

“OHHH, ARE YOU JEALOUS? ‘CAUSE YOU CAN HAVE HIM,” Charlie almost growls back himself, but the effect is dulled as Cooper has to save him from tripping.

“Oh, happy birthday, Cooper,” Cooper mutters to himself, snatching up cleaning bucket Charlie had almost fallen over, “here’s more trauma,  _ oh you shouldn’t have-” _

“It’s your birthday?” Charlie asks, momentarily forgetting their impending doom as Schlatt screams bloody murder in the background. 

“Yeah, and I wish this ugly gremlin would fuck off!” Cooper yells, and chucks the bucket at the monster, water splashing everywhere.

“ **THE FUCK IS THAT GONNA.** .. do? Huh.”

There’s an ear splitting howl, and it takes Charlie a few seconds to even register what Cooper just did as the beast thrashes around, steam filling up the destroyed store as it continues to let out noises of pain, and hurriedly scramble away.

“Aw, man, now it’s not gonna come true,” is all Charlie can say, watching it disappear into the woods.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Cooper cusses, before letting out a hysterical laugh, “fuck.” The bucket clangs on the ground next to him.

“Anyone else think that was too easy?” Charlie finds himself asking, words feeling a million miles away. He...

Schlatt just hisses, hands on his head for some reason as he paces back and forth, still agitated despite the threat leaving. 

“HOW DID IT FIND US?! I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD FUCKING IDEA!”

“I-“ Charlie looks down at his trembling hands, and the singed light blue bow tie. Schlatt’s eyes are drawn to it too.

“...Charlie.  **Charlie what the FUCK DID YOU DO?! WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT SHIT?!”**

“H-HEY STAY BACK MAN!” Charlie stumbles back from Schlatt, but his vision is blurring and was the floof always this close it-

It-

It was too  **much** .

* * *

Schlatt’s suddenly pushed.

“Lay the the fuck off, Schlatt!” This, this fucking  _ kid _ yells at him, and it catches Schlatt off guard so much he doesn’t snap.

“He’s  _ fine- _ “ Schlatt starts, only to cut off.

Charlie’s on the floor having a panic attack.

“Oh, yeah, he looks really fine,” the worker spits out like venom, and Schlatt doesn’t even  _ know _ this guy, how fucking  _ dare _ he-

Charlie lets out a disjointed, near-manic laugh, hand clutching at his chest, and Schlatt’s attention snaps back to him. Right, yeah, shit-

“I’m-  _ hyperventilating, _ I’m-I- hyper-vent-ilating- I’m hyperventilating- I’m-“ Charlie gasps out, and Schlatt takes a small step back.

“Charlie stop fucking saying you’re hyperventilating, that won’t stop you from hyperventilating,” Schlatt snarks, wilting a tiny bit under the glare he receives from the store employee.

“WELL YOU TELL ME- HOW TO STOP- HYPERVENTILATING- SCHLATT BECAUSE- I AM CURRENTLY  _ HYPERVENTILATING- _ “

“Want me to dump water on him too?” Cooper asks, but Schlatt can’t help but feel like he’s the one being mocked here.

“PLEASE  _ DON’T!”  _

“Okay look,” Schlatt glances at the person who ‘technically’ saved their lives, “I’ll just-grab him and we’ll get out of your hair, you obviously have a lot of cleaning to do, sorry about that again, so-”

“Don’t kill me!” Charlie chokes out as he steps close, and Schlatt recoils like he was burned. 

He…

Oh.

Charlie doesn’t even seem to realise he said it, his eyes are too wide and out of focus for him to off. Schlatt shoves his shaking hand deep in his pocket.

...so that’s how it is.

Cooper’s look is suddenly a bit too sympathetic for Schlatt’s liking, and everything in Schlatt is _screaming_ at him to storm out of the gas station. 

Why the fuck should he even try?! Charlie obviously doesn’t trust him, there’s no point in even trying to change that, he doesn’t even  _ care  _ even though he suddenly feels like he’s going to vomit, he didn’t know Charlie, so why-

So…

Why is he crouching down to Charlie’s level?

“Hey, Charlie, look at me,” Schlatt starts slowly, with absolutely no idea what the fuck he’s doing. Charlie doesn’t even register him.

“I-I can’t breathe-“ 

“Then fucking breathe idiot!” Schlatt yells, feeling more on edge by the minute and Charlie’s violent flinch doesn’t  _ help _ . 

“In for three out for three,” Cooper mutters, leaning against the wall. His eyes keep darting away from them to this door for some reason. “Normally you’d probably get them to describe what’s around them but...” He glances around the flaming wreckage of the store. “...I’m honestly gonna have a panic attack just looking at it. So maybe don’t.”

Schlatt privately agrees, but just softly echoes Cooper's instructions to Charlie, despite not really needing them. It’s not like he’s never done this before…

Wait, has he?

“Dude, just give me a kazoo and we can make a party out of this.” Charlie stutters out finally, and Schlatt narrows his eyes.

“Charlie. Be serious for a second.”

Charlie lets out a sob and Schlatt recoils.

“...I mean, you asked him to stop joking,” Cooper pipes up unhelpfully. Charlie just buries his head into his hands, shoulders shaking for a new reason and ears tinged red in what was probably now embarrassment.

Okay so, pro, Charlie’s stopped freaking out. Con, Charlie is now crying.

“Move, ram dude.”

Schlatt flinches as Cooper suddenly kneels down next to him, eyes focused.

“If he asks, just say I gave him weed…” Cooper mutters, before placing his hands onto Charlie’s.

“Aw man, if this is some fucking hippy shit-“ Schlatt starts, before promptly shutting the fuck up Cooper starts to glow.

“You’re…” Schlatt whispers, and Cooper jabs a finger against his lips, expression unreadable.

“Nothing. I’m nothing,” Cooper grits out, despite patches on green starting to appear on his head. 

“You’re clearly not-“ Schlatt starts, but falls quiet at the look he’s given.

Charlie’s breathing begins to balance out, and the sobs die down to quiet sniffles. Cooper’s eyes are starting to flicker to a murky yellow colour.

“...wait, you had calming magic this whole fucking time?! Why didn’t you do it when, you know, panic attack?!”

“...I... didn’t think of that,” Cooper answers awkwardly, and Schlatt nearly has a stroke when he realises that the guy seems completely honest. Charlie’s eyes have fogged over slightly, and it’s making Schlatt... uncomfortable.

He swats Cooper’s hands away.

“I think he’s fine now,” Schlatt growls, and Cooper recoils, eyes wide. They stare at each other for god knows how long, and Schlatt realises his horns are still out when Cooper’s eyes flicker to the top of his head.

“What... happened to-”

“How much?” Schlatt cuts off, and Cooper’s expression goes bewildered.

“What?”

“How much do we need to pay for you to forget about this and not mention us to who you work for?”

“Well... I mean, you did completely trash the place…”

“I will give you two hundred dollars.”

“Schlatt we don’t... have money.” Charlie mumbles, before yawning. “What-“

“Carson will give you two hundred dollars,” Schlatt interrupts quickly before Charlie can finish forming his question.

“I have no idea who this Carson person is, but does he have a good glass dealer?” Cooper asks, but his tone is off. Schlatt retracks.

“”I will give you... five dollars. To forget this ever happened.” He pulls out a crinkled note, that probably isn’t even money. Cooper’s expression goes sarcastically playful, and he rests his head on his hands.

“Oh, you mean on top of everything else you owe me?”

“I will give you... a Slimecicle popsicle. To forget this ever happened.”

“You’ll give me my own product?” 

“...I will give you  _ Charlie- _ ” that seems to wake Charlie up. 

“No you won’t-”

“I’m not taking Charlie-”

“-please don’t sell me I have so much left to do in Minecraft-”

“You sure? ‘Cause I mean, I don’t fucking need him-”

“-I don’t even think that’s fucking legal-”

“-I can’t even remember if I beat the Ender Dragon yet, how fucked up is that-“

“Look, just, name your price,” Schlatt interrupts, holding up his hand before Charlie starts crying again over whatever the fuck an Ender Dragon is.

“Dude are you... are you  _ sure _ you’re a businessman?” Cooper asks, obviously fucking delusional as well if he has to ask that.

“I mean he is wearing a suit,” Charlie says, half-heartedly defending Schlatt.

“I’m wearing a  _ suit _ ,” Schlatt continues, expression offended. Charlie snorts, and Schlatt notices that while his eyes are no longer fogged over, they’re also not... completely seeing right now. Cooper notices too, and his expression turns guilty.

“Okay, look, I’m out of practice, might have overdid it, maybe-“

“Definitely,” Schlatt says, flinching away as Charlie tries swatting at the space where his horns were like a cat, still giggling.

“But he’ll be fine in like, an hour. Just let him sleep it off. And don’t worry about here, I’ll…” Cooper takes a deep breath and slumps. “I’ll deal with this.”

Schlatt sighs, internally screaming, and he stands, holding out his hand for Charlie to take with a cringe.

As soon as Charlie accepts, the contact burns.

“Aw man, are we going?” Charlie whines, and Schlatt doesn’t even retort, his fight or flight reflexes going crazy. 

“Yep, we’re going Charlie, say bye bye to the creepy stoner,” Schlatt teases in a fake light voice. Charlie looks at Cooper’s defeated posture, and pouts.

“Why don’t you come with us?” Charlie asks, voice slurring, and a series of emotions flash across Cooper’s face. Schlatt bristles.  _ Oh, no way, no fucking way is Schlatt dealing with another- _

“I can’t. You two should go.” Cooper says hurriedly, already pushing Charlie out to the door, face several times paler than when the beast had entered. Well, Schlatt wasn’t going to complain, even if he does have to dive forward to stop Charlie introducing his face to the concrete, ignoring how his skin screams in protest at the contact again.

Schlatt prepares himself to teleport when his name is called out. He turns around with exhausted murder in his eyes.

“I just, wait- one last... one last thing,” Cooper says, glass crunching under his feet as he stands in the destroyed doorway. “Do you-“

“...What?” Schlatt asks, eye twitching, and Cooper faults.

“...Nothing. It’s nothing.” 

Schlatt nods, and teleports them away.

* * *

“Why am I  _ here, _ Schlatt?” Charlie asks, stumbling a little as Schlatt leads them into the clearing. Schlatt over shot, and as a punishment, because the universe really just has it out for him, he needed to prolong his and Charlie’s physical contact. His arm feels like it’s on fire, and if this continued any longer  _ he’d _ be the one having a panic attack.

“...like on this earth or this forest?” Schlatt asks, playing dumb, and Charlie’s eyes narrow at him despite being unfocused.

“You’re not this fucking stupid.”

“Humour me.”

“I just… why… why are we doing this? Why are you helping me?” Charlie’s expression turns genuinely confused, and Schlatt can’t help the confusion that shows on his face to match.

“To get your memories back?”

“...whatever. It’s-it was stupid.” Charlie mumbles, leaning away from Schlatt. Schlatt hisses and grabs him before he falls flat on his face.

“We’re almost there, stop it!” Schlatt scolds, but Charlie doesn’t respond.

In fact, he’s fallen eerily silent.

Fuck it.

“Charlie... why did you save me?” Schlatt asks, almost too quiet to pick up, hoping to God Charlie will forget this in the morning, “Back at the apartment, you knew at that point I was a demon, you couldn’t have not known, and yet you still helped me despite knowing what I am. I just…  _ why _ ?”

“Because you were scared,” Charlie says like it was obvious, and this time it’s Schlatt who almost trips.

“I-I wasn’t-“ Schlatt stutters, but Charlie doesn’t hear him.

“Your face was so… panicked, when you arrived at the door. So even when you morph…” Charlie scrunches up his face, “changed… transformed! Into, into your… thingy, all I could see was just,” he looks up at Schlatt, “that you were as scared as I was. Maybe even more.”

Schlatt feels like he’s going to pass out, eyes darting away from the pure  _ emotion _ behind Charlie.

“I’m… Charlie, fuck, I’m  _ still _ scared. And I’m… I’m sorry. But look, I can’t get your apartment back, but I can help you get your memories back. Hopefully. And-I’m not good at this fucking shit, so don’t expect me to say more. Fuck you.”

Charlie snaps out of the shock from Schlatt’s words to giggle.

“Did you just end your emotional confession with fuck you?” 

“Fuck you!” 

“...you’re still upset. It’s-it’s because I ruined everything isn't it?”

“How long have you been on edge?” Schlatt asks instead, even though he desperately wants to talk about anything else. “How long has that been… building up?”

“I don’t think I’ve stopped being terrified since this started,” Charlie admits. “I’ve been trying to keep it down though, but I guess I failed that as well huh?” Schlatt stops them in their tracks.

“What about a code word then? Any time you feel like you’re gonna… that you say, when shit’s overwhelming. Cause I’m obviously fucking not good at telling that shit.”

Charlie scrunches up his nose in distaste.

“I’m not a baby Schlatt.”

“You are, but not because you get scared. You’re a human. I’m honestly impressed you made it this long so it’s not… bad. To be scared.” 

_ For you at least, _ Schlatt adds privately. 

“Slimecicle.”

“What?”

“Let’s use Slimecicle.”

“Slimecicle? Why?”

“I’m just, ya know, vibing with it.” Charlie flutters his hand around, a goofy grin back on his face. 

“...vibing?” 

Charlie doesn’t hear him, because his attention has been caught by something else, and the conversation is over.

“Schlatt! Schlatt look! It’s a bird! Guess he’s probably carrying a huge emotional  _ bird _ en huh?

Schlatt can’t find it in himself to tell Charlie he’s just pointing at a rock. He just laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dawg this chapter was a fucking l o n g e one huh? You could even say it was ta-
> 
> Okay no, it’s currently 1am in the fucking morning, I was waken up by the rain and thought, y o u k n o w w h a t I s h o u l d d o
> 
> So I made a rant post on my tumblr.
> 
> ...and then posted the chapter
> 
> LOOK IF THERES SOMETHING IMPORTANT I'M FORGETTING HERE F U T U R E M E C A N D E A L W I T H I T-

**Author's Note:**

> Me subtly having Charlie and Schlatt talking about previous events and pretending it's world building: I'm doing what you call a pro gamer move
> 
> ...So here we are again huh?
> 
> I don’t know what h a p p e n e d 
> 
> Thank you SO much to everyone that enjoyed the first one, your comments meant the fucking world and if I wasn’t already deep into wanting to do this, people’s enthusiasm was certainly the kicker
> 
> Also I Uh  
> I made a T u m b l r? C a u s e I h a v e N o I m p u l s e C o n t r o l?  
> So if you want to ask a question about this AU or just see my semi decent art I’ll post for it occasionally, bang me a follow? 
> 
> https://lunch-cryptids-au.tumblr.com/post/617001383696203776/you
> 
> ...B a n g-wh a t, I’m loosing my mind
> 
> I’m probably gonna do a more detailed note in chapter two, but for now, B y e??!!


End file.
